BDSM
What do you think of, when you see the acronym?
Abuse, torture, degrading, wrong, dangerous?
If you do, I'm sorry but you don't know anything about real BDSM. I'd suggest researching it to learn more, and I'm not talking fiction but real non-fiction books, articles and sites. There are plenty of places to research.
You know what I think of, when I see BDSM?
Love, intimacy, trust, comfort, oneness, security, fun.
Did you laugh at any of those? Then again, I encourage you to research BDSM.
I don't pretend to be an expert. I'm NOT one, no where close. But I HAVE done my research. I don't just read fiction BDSM. I have read non-fiction, I have visited sites. I have taken the time to research all the sides of BDSM and I encourage anyone who has even just a passing interest (such as reading 50 Shades of Grey, but no other BDSM erotica) in it, research it as well. You will soon find that the book, 50 Shades of Grey, is NOT BDSM. It has so many inaccuracies that I don't even call it BDSM. Yes, Grey was a supposed "dom" (notice the little "d", as I don't perceive him as such) but he was NOT a good one. James did little to no research into BDSM, or wanted it to be inaccurate. Who knows. It's just sad that book is what people are so interested in.
But, back on the subject. I suggest looking into BDSM on your own and you will see that it's not what you may think that it is. So, what is BDSM?
BDSM encompasses sooooooooooo much under that small title. Most people associate BDSM with whips and chains, pain and cruelty (for causing that pain). There are whips, chains, and pain, but that's under the S&M part, just 1/3 of the whole, and just a small part of all that is included in BDSM. Did you know that you have have BDSM without ANY pain? Probably not, because the pain is all that is shown, the main thing that is frowned upon.
S&M is also the aspect of BDSM that I know the least about. What I do know is this ~
For the men and women who are involved in S&M, especially those into Masochism, they ENJOY, want and/or need the pain. For some, they enjoy the erotic pain is provides, for others it's a form of release. When involved in a REAL BDSM scene or relationship, the person receiving any kind of pain WANTS that pain. If they are receiving that pain but do not want it, have not agreed to it, that's abuse, not BDSM.
Let's move on to D/s, which I know more about, than the S&M. There are a ton of misconceived notions about BDSM, the biggest (in my opinion) misconception about BDSM is that the Dom / Domme has all the control and power. If you think that, then you are completely wrong. Within a real D/s scene or relationship of any kind, the slave / sub / bottom has the ultimate control.
If you don't know much about BDSM, or if your view of it is only from stuff like 50, you're certainly wondering how in the world it could be that a submissive, who by definition gives over all control to their Dom / Domme, holds all the power. It's very simple, the couple goes into a BDSM relationship or scene having completely negotiated each and every step. Let's take a Dom/sub relationship for an example. If a couple wants to enter a BDSM relationship, they talk about every little thing that could happen. There are even extensive checklists for both Dom and subs. Everything is agreed on. The Dom knows each and every hard and soft limit of the sub, and respects those limits. The sub puts down what she wants to have done, what she is willing to try and what she never ever wants done, and a Dom respects that. Therefore, the sub holds all the power. The sub is in ultimate control because she has agreed to everything she's willing to have done with or to her. The Dom never crosses those hard limits, and if he does, he's not a dom. Simple as that.
You may be wondering what would make a sub WANT any aspect of a BDSM scene or relationship. That, I can't answer for you. Like everything in life, it's a personal preference, and varies by individual. For a sub, it's no different than if your sexual preference is to be on top or bottom or have the lights on or off. It is some part of her that craves whatever she needs from that relationship or scene.
Another HUGE misconception about BDSM is that a submissive is weak. This is SO not true!! While a weak person may have a submissive personality, the kind that let people walk all over them, that's not a submissive, that's a pussy. A true submissive is VERY VERY strong, and usually very self assured, confidant and powerful. The appeal of submitting for this kind of person is to let all the worries of the day melt away and so they can just FEEL. Imagine for a moment, you work in a stressful job, where you have to make a ton of decisions. After that, you come home to a houseful of kids you have to wrangle. You do this day in and day out, and while you love it, it's very taxing emotionally. For a submissive in a BDSM relationship, in the bedroom she can leave that all behind. Close the door on everything the day or week has given to her and give up control. Her Dom knows what she needs, and the sub is able to turn off her brain and allow her Dom to take over, taking care of her needs.
Have you ever been in any kind of relationship that goes like this ~
"Hey honey, what do you want to do tonight?"
"I don't care, what do you want to do?"
"I don't know, that's why I asked you. What do you wanna do?"
"Whatever, I guess, I don't care. Whatever you want."
OMG it's awful. I'm sure you all have been there. Either one party doesn't care enough to say, or both parties want what the other one wants to much that a choice isn't made. A true Dom takes all that away. They say "here's what we're going to do tonight" and after making all the decisions for her work, her home, she's glad that a decision is made. It's freeing.
You can probably tell, I could go on and on about the subject, but I won't. 1 ~ not many people are going to read this anyways and 2 ~ if you care enough, you can research more on your own, or ask me more. I am always glad to share. As I said, I don't claim to be an expert. I've done my research and I understand a lot of the D/s aspect but that's where my knowledge ends. I'd love to talk about it more, get more involved in what different aspects of BDSM are, but I think this is long enough.
If you would like more info, here are some resources for you. Even if 50 was as far as you have ventured, I'd suggest learning a bit more so you can see that Grey was NOT the kind of man you would want a true Dom to be. With these resources, don't rely on one person's view. Gather many, and you will soon see what true BDSM is and isn't, what is true and what is fiction, what is the right way and wrong way. As always, if entering into any kind of BDSM, practice safe, sane and consensual play.
Websites ~
Intro to BDSM
D/s & BDSM Lifestyes
BDSM 101
Books ~
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